Growing pains

Dear friends and family,

We spoke with the brain surgeon from the University of Utah a few weeks ago. Her name is Doctor Menacho. She reviewed my most recent MRI of my brain that was taken June 24^th. The mass appears to have returned to its original size. I did not ask her for measurements, but she showed me the pictures and it appeared the same size as before surgery, if not a little bigger. As you can imagine, this was very discouraging news. Why am I so good at growing things??

I was really hoping all this extra pain was a good sign! (That is the story that I told myself... and it kept me going for quite a while!) I was really hoping that my nerves were trying to regenerate and reconnect. It was really frustrating to learn that the pain and numbness is being caused by the tumor pushing on things in the motor strip again. It does explain, however, why things did not get better after the surgery.

I have been experiencing a significant amount of pain in the last few weeks. The numbness has moved into my shoulder and shoulder blade. It is causing a lot of trouble.  There is pain from the muscles compensating on the opposite side of my body. The shoulder blades are also cramping up and I'm having a “Charlie horse” type pain. This happens every time I get up from a flat position or if I twist my body. My body then has a hard time recovering and the pain lasts several hours. We have increased my pain medication by quite a bit, we met with the pain doc, and we are trying a fentanyl patch. So far pain has been under control a little bit better. However, If I have a spasm or attack, it does not seem to be touching that pain. I also have a painful cough that seems to be triggering spasms quite regularly. I have found some relief from the cough through over-the-counter medicines.

So, the question is, what do we do now? The doctor does not want to do surgery again -for several reasons. First, because the tumor grew back so quickly. Second, because every time you open the brain, it introduces several more risk factors. Dr. Menacho would like to wait a few months and do another MRI. I guess we will wait and see. In the meantime, we are just trying to manage the pain. 
 

I have been just trying to find the right position to sit so that I do not hurt. We bought a chair that lifts me up. It has been very helpful, and I have been able to sleep in it at night.
 
I have had plenty of discouraging moments in the last few weeks. I have not been able to do as much, and I have been relying on my family a lot more, especially Dennis. My faith is being stretched. I often wish that I could see the whole plan so I could know what Heavenly Father has in store for me. Until then, I will just have to be satisfied with the little pieces that He has shown me. 

I really love this quote that I found from this last general conference by Paul Pieper: 

"Good teachers and coaches know that intellectual growth and physical strength can happen only when minds and muscles are stretched. Likewise, God invites us to grow by trusting His spiritual tutoring through soul-stretching experiences. Therefore, we can be sure that whatever trust we may have demonstrated in God in the past, another trust-stretching experience lies yet ahead. God is focused on our growth and progress. He is the Master Teacher, the complete coach who is always stretching us to help us realize more of our divine potential. That will always include a future invitation to trust Him just a little bit more."

Although this is been very hard, I feel like the Lord is aware of my circumstances. I know He loves me, and I know He knows what is needed for my growth. I trust Him. I will continue in mighty prayer, asking for a miracle and praying that we will be led to find some relief from the pain. I am so grateful for the prayers and fasting that have been offered in my behalf. 

Love you all!
Emilie

Can you see the smiley face?  Hannah and I had fun finding shapes in the clouds. Just a small "God Wink."