More hard news

Dear family,

I am sorry for the lack of updates lately. I have been struggling! It's difficult for me to find a window of time where I am both physically and intellectually put together enough to make a post! 

We are excited for Abrahm's wedding this Saturday, and are hoping for good weather, since they would like to hold the wedding here. Abby has excitedley moved to Rexburg to begin classes at BYUI. Hannah got a part in Finding Nemo, Jr. and is busy with dance team.Gideon is doing Driver's Ed and Marching Band. Rift (Indoor Drumline) auditions are finally here, and Mary and Drew are excited to do something challenging again. Gideon auditioned this year and is considering giving Rift a go. 

                     Abby is great so far, running into old friends, and quickly making new friends!

          I attended my 30 year class reunion! It was amazing to see so many old and dear friends!

I realized my last update was in July. I am trying to remember all that’s been happening over the past few months! It’s all kind of a fuzzy blur in my mind. I wish I could say I am improving but I have experienced a steady decline over the last few months. 

Just last week we realized that I would need to have someone with me all the time. My right arm and leg do not have any strength. My right knee also buckles consistently. My left knee has something called lymphedema. This is when the lymph system is unable to drain excess fluid.   This causes swelling and tightness in the skin. I'm not sure if it causes restless legs, but I seem to have that new symptom. It is not very complementary, and often triggers my other leg to spasm. I have lost core strength, so sitting and holding myself up is exhausting.

Just writing this post, I am trying to use the dictation system, but it's very time consuming and not working very well. My mom has been able to come and help, but it's getting difficult for her to manage all my needs. We are waiting for home health to set up some support services, hopefully this week. There are lots of new difficulties with mobility, and it is a steep learning curve to figure it out and train those who help me.

We are facing the possibility that I may not win this battle. Although we know God is a God of miracles, and are holding on to that, we also see the need to prepare for whatever is next. We had a meeting with a grief counselor, and are trying to help each other as we begin the grieving process. We want the family to be able to talk about it, and support each other through it. It's been heartbreaking, but liberating, as we no longer have to pretend everything will be ok. 

I am trying to figure out what I need to do. The current Chemo drug, Stivarga, does not seem to be having any noticeable effect, and in fact, my decline has increased in the last month since I began taking it. The last option is a combination of two immunotherapy drugs which are not likely to be effective given my type of cancer and my genetic markers. Even so, there is a possibility we will shift to immunotherapy as soon as it is available. 

I appreciate the prayers you send, and know God hears them all, and that His plan for me is more beautiful than I can ever imagine.  I realize what a gift each moment is and will treasure the time I have with my friends and family.         

With a heart full of gratitude for you, my earthly angels, for my heavenly angels, and for my Savior.  I know He lives! That only He can understand how difficult this has been. I am grateful for His compassion, love, and enabling power. It is His strength that is helping me through.

 All my love, Emilie