The Struggle is Real

 

Dear Family,

I have really been struggling lately. It just seems like I finally get to take a step forward, then I fall eight steps back. This time it actually was eight steps! (Give or take- I should go count them!) Literally. I fell down some stairs. UGH.  I decided to miss the top step in the back alcove at the play. It has been two weeks on Tuesday and I am still really suffering.

If I am honest,  This has been a very discouraging setback. My back keeps spasming. I have some bruised ribs. I have a sprained finger. The bruises on my face and side ARE are starting to fade a bit. (I am grateful that I don't look quite so abused now!) 

                                            Here are my wounds on my chin and my ribs!

It is difficult to get into a comfortable position at night. I surround myself with pillows and heating pads, and pray a lot. Some nights are good, some are not. Last night was not good. Combined with the back spasms,  I am also suffering from the chemo this week. It really messes with my stomach sometimes. The stomach cramps were so unbearable! They seemed to cause my back to spasm more.

I woke up this morning feeling SO picked on. I am so tired. So tired of pain. I got down on my knees and prayed for mercy, for relief. I prayed a lot through the evening as well. I did feel some relief, and I was able to make it through church. I know the Lord answered my prayer.

Church was a strange experience today. I usually love church. Everything about it. I love worshiping together with people I love. Today I just felt alone. Empty. Like I had nothing to give. It was taking every source of strength just to not break down and cry. I could not look anyone in the eye. I could not get through the halls quick enough to get to my car. What am I so afraid of?

I think I am afraid of being real. Of telling everyone that I am having a hard time. I am usually so good at finding silver linings. What if there is not any silver linings to find this time?

I know that is not true. God is a God of miracles. I know that. He is aware of me and knows how hard this last little while has been for me.  I won't stay here in my pity. I will put one foot in front of the other. I guess I just wanted to be real. To let you know--you are not alone! If you are feeling like life is hammering you lately. I get you! But most importantly, there is someone who truly understands your pain. Jesus Christ is waiting to hold you, to help you. 

I love this scripture from this weeks reading. Hebrews 4:16:

"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

This scripture spoke to my heart this morning and I boldly asked for His help. He is so ready to give us help! I will continue to ask for help as I try to pull myself out of this struggle. I really could use your continued prayers! 

Thanks for all you do.

Love, Emilie


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

More hard news

Image
Dear family, I am sorry for the lack of updates lately. I have been struggling! It's difficult for me to find a window of time where I am both physically and intellectually put together enough to make a post!  We are excited for Abrahm's wedding this Saturday, and are hoping for good weather, since they would like to hold the wedding here. Abby has excitedley moved to Rexburg to begin classes at BYUI. Hannah got a part in Finding Nemo, Jr. and is busy with dance team.Gideon is doing Driver's Ed and Marching Band. Rift (Indoor Drumline) auditions are finally here, and Mary and Drew are excited to do something challenging again. Gideon auditioned this year and is considering giving Rift a go.                       Abby is great so far, running into old friends, and quickly making new friends!           I attended my 30 year class reunion! It was amazing to see so many old and dear friends! I realized...
Read more

Winter Adventures

Image
Dear Friends and Family, It has been a LONG few weeks! I apologize for the lack of updates.  Here are the highlights and adventures from the last few weeks:  Emilie's cold and cough: I started coughing at the beginning of January. I have been on two different antibiotics trying to kick it. It has been a rough full body cough, and combined with chemo I have been feeling pretty rough. Just finishing a two week round of Augmentin. I am finally noticing it letting up! I lost my voice for over a week. It still sounds like I am a heavy smoker. I miss my voice!  Brandon's Recital: Brandon did an amazing job at his Senior Recital. It was awe inspiring and I can not tell you how impressed I was at his hard work. I tried to upload a snippet but it is not cooperating. I will keep working on it! We got to bring some refreshments for the reception afterword. It turned out to be a really fun night. Congratulations Brandon! He and McKenzie have decided not to walk, but they are graduate...
Read more

A quick update

Image
Dear friends and family This is just a quick update from my last doctor's visit on Monday. We met with Dr. Hale. He showed us that the numbers were going up and that my last scan showed an increase in the number of granulomas in my lungs. He explained that our current regimen of chemo had lost its effectiveness. Basically, the cancer has begun to outsmart my current chemo. We will change to a new kind of chemo. It's nickname is Reggo. We will start this new regimen as soon as the insurance is authorized. The good news: [1] I don't have to go get an infusion every two weeks. The new chemo is simply a pill. [2] This new chemo can cross the blood brain barrier. This means that has a chance and working on my tumor in my brain. The Braftovi was unable to do that. [3] The side effects of the Reggo did not seem too bad. He said it can cause a rash and it can effect my bowels. The bad news: [1] Like the Braftovi, the Reggo has a chance of losing its effectiveness quite quickly. [2]...
Read more