'Playing with the skulls on'!
Dear Family,
In my last post, I mentioned a struggle with my bowels. I was so grateful for every bowel movement- because my bowels decided to take a little vacation from their job! I was jut getting my guts straightened out, and I decided to go on a high dose of antibiotics to try and kick my cough. I did get a little relief from the cough, but had a unexpected side effect from the the Augmentin. It caused two weeks of diarrhea! I was dreading facing another chemo treatment this last Monday. I just felt so depleted.
I shared my concerns with my son Joseph. His response was so empathetic. "You are playing with the skulls on, mom!" I gave him a baffled look and he went on to explain. It is a Halo reference. I guess you can "Turn on the skulls" when you want an added level of difficulty in the game. For some reason, I felt so validated by his comment. He seemed to really get it. It has been a hard few months, with one challenge after another. It does feel like I added a level of difficulty to my life. The question is...how do I turn it off?
Dr. Dixon was so kind and understanding. I kind of lost it when he asked me how I was doing. He looked me in the eyes and said, "How are you really doing?" and the tears started to flow. He called me a "strong little soldier", but he could see that the treatments were wearing me down. He asked me about all of my side effects, and scratched his head a little when I mentioned how often my nose is burning and hurting. He attributed my cough to the cancer. The lungs are irritated from the small granulomas that are there. I was a little discouraged about that. So far, I have been able to blame most of my discomfort on the treatment. Now I have to admit that the cancer is causing some issues. We came to the conclusion that I should take a break from chemo this round and let my body recover a bit. I felt so relieved. It just felt right. So grateful for a break!
He gave me some options to think about when I return in two weeks. One is that we lower the dosage of a few of my chemo drugs. He mentioned that I have been on one of them for the whole time that I have been on chemo. (approx. four years) It is the one that can affect the mucus lining. My body is tired of that drug. Another option is to spread out the treatments a bit to improve my quality of life.
He mentioned we might be reaching a point where we stop chemo altogether and just put it in the Lord's hands. I have to admit, the thought scares me so much! I have seen what happens when I back off of chemo. Things start growing again! I did love his analogy, referencing the pioneers. "Sometime you can only push the handcart to that tree or that rock, then you need to call in the angels to take over." I would not argue if a few angels wanted to take over for a bit! I feel that I am reaching that critical breaking point. I am prayerfully considering what to do next.
Having an extra week of feeling good has done wonders for my heart and sanity. It has been a busy week with Willy Wonka practices for 3 hours daily M-TH during harvest break. Hannah will preform on Oct 24, 27th, and 28th at 7 pm. Let me know if you want Tickets!
I have also been working really hard to organize and redo the art room for Hannah. I am trying to make her a creative space. I have been pulling out some office supplies I used in teaching and making them accessible as well. It has been so fun and satisfying to get rid of things and make it a organized space. I did have to swallow a bit of sadness as I faced the thought of not teaching again. I really miss teaching!
Mary, Gideon, and Abby have been working harvest the last week. They have been working long days. They are building some resiliency and I am grateful for that. They have been listening to a lot of audio books! Mary has nearly listened to all of Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. Gideon has listened to the whole Percy Jackson series. Some random challenges from harvest: We are struggling to keep them fed with new and interesting things. They often pack a lunch and dinner in the mornings! There are also random piles of dirt around the house. I am not going to work on that until they stop coming home looking like dust bunnies!
It is a week later, and I am finally finishing this post. They are almost finished with harvest, estimating about 4 more days. They have asked the kids to come for two days and miss school if they are willing.
We had a MRI scheduled this week to check up on my spot in my brain. We drove to Idaho Falls and found out that the machine broke that morning. The table would not move in and out. We rescheduled it for Saturday and then ended up cancelling so we could stay and watch all of the Marching Band Competition in Rexburg. It was fun to watch all of the bands, as Brandon and Alexa have been working with Highland, Brandon with High Desert, and Drew has been helping with Century. I felt that I had some connection with each band. This was Snake River's first competition of the year and they did well! The show this year is "Newsies!"
We hosted a surprise birthday party yesterday for my dear friend Amanda, who turned 40. I enjoyed reconnecting with teacher friends and meeting a few awesome new friends.
General Conference was AMAZING and I felt some direct, loving, answers to my prayers from the Lord through his Prophet and Apostles and other church leaders. "Couch Church" is seriously one of my favorite days of the year!
Some of my favorite thoughts: (Not quotes--just rough notes I scribbled)
"Jesus can bless your family. Put your heart there. It is the most important thing!"- Sister Wright
"You are doing better than you think... be consistent!" - Elder Anderson
"Yoke yourself with the Savior. The burden can be equitably and comfortable born. You are NEVER alone. You are HIS. You are LOVED!"- Elder Phillips
"It is not the course that will exalt us. It is the companion! What degree of relationship do you want with Jesus Christ?" - Emily Belle Freeman
"If you have not chosen the kingdom of God first, it will not matter what you have chosen" -Elder Maxwell, Quoted by Elder Wadell
"Expect opposition. Put Jesus Christ first. Improve prayers (no shopping lists) and THINK CELESTIAL! Do the spiritual work to increase personal revelation. "- President Russell M. Nelson
WHEW! What a weekend. I can't wait to review and reflect and try to follow the counsel I received. Lots of love to all of you!
Love, Emilie
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