Fighting Dandelions

Happy summer everyone! 

I started this letter at the beginning of summer! It is now wrapping up. 😓(School starts this Wednesday!) I really love summer, so I am so sad! It is my favorite season. I just love the warm weather and the relaxed schedule. We traveled so much this year we did not get much down time. We had a blast! We created some fun memories. Pictures coming in the next post!

I have a bit of news from my last doctor's appointment this last Monday. We did an extra scan because of a swollen lymph node next to my collar bone. It is tender to the touch and worried me a bit. The doctor did not act surprised by the spot. He said it was there on our last scan and it has increased in size a bit. I wish he would have mentioned it to me, as I would not have been so worried with it's appearance. (We often see different doctors each visit, and I'm sure it is difficult to know what the other doctors have shared with us.)

He compared my cancer to dandelions. (I do feel like a flower garden-- always growing something new. However, I was picturing a prettier flowers than dandelions!) He said, "We are not going to count the dandelions. We are not going analyze them and worry about their size. We are just treating them all with weed and feed. (Chemo) and keep them from growing!" I guess that is supposed to make me feel better? Some of the small spots in my lungs have increased in size a tiny bit, by just a few mm. Some are getting a hole in the center. (A process called cavitization). He said this could mean two things: one prognosis is good and the other is not great. The tumor could be dying from the inside out (good) or the tumor could be outgrowing it's blood supply (not good). I am going to hope for the first prognosis.

We have decided to radiate the lymph node in my neck because it is so painful. We will start this week. It will be M-F for the next two weeks. Hoping for some relief! 

This summer we spread out my chemo treatments to accommodate lots of traveling. I did 3 weeks apart for May and June and then only once in July. We are back to every two weeks, so I will have chemo tomorrow. 

Last week I had a very difficult week. I had some yucky diarrhea and took a few anti-diarrheal pills to  slow things down. A few days later I had chemo. My bowels decided to take a little bit of a break, and stopped working for a week. It was very painful and I ended up on a liquid diet for four days. I got a bit "hangry" but I was grateful to be out of pain when I did not eat. It made me realize that I have not dealt with a lot of pain on this cancer journey. Annoying chemo side effects, yes, but not debilitating pain. I received a few priesthood blessings and I was promised that I would be led to find the help I needed. I was very grateful when the help came in the form of a good friend. My doctor who found my cancer (and is not practicing right now) made a house call, made some calls, and arranged for home health give me IV fluids. He kept me out of the hospital for the weekend, and gave me the answers I needed. Eventually he suggested that I drink some magnesium citrate, which finally got things moving. I am so grateful for his kindness. 

I am also grateful that it was not an obstruction and that surgery was not needed! The Lord was mindful of me, even though at one point I felt very discouraged and I complained quite a bit. Pain has a way of bringing out your lack of faith.

Now, out of pain, I am beginning to see a small glimpse of His wisdom. I appreciate the absence of pain a lot more. I am grateful for every bowel movement... and I really appreciate the ability to EAT. Who knew that chewing your food could be so satisfying!? It is a good thing that the Lord is merciful and His love unconditional. He is slowly teaching me to trust Him, even when relief is slow to come. My heart is growing in its capacity for gratitude. I think I am even grateful for my dandelions. When they finally go away, my joy will be incalculable!

Thank you for the love and for all your prayers. Thank you to my ward for the beautiful flowers! They really lifted my spirits. 

Fun summer pics and stories of our adventures coming in the next post!

Love, 

Emilie

PS. I am inspired by Paul relating the trust that Abraham had in impossible promises. (Romans 4:20): "He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief but was strong in the faith giving glory to God." I can not see the end of my story, but I will, like Abraham, continue to trust in His promises!